Signs That You’re Not Ready for Graduation


Whenever someone mentions the dreaded “g-word,” you clam up like someone just told you that you’re going to be performing a Whitney Houston song onstage. Next to Whitney. And if you don’t feel this way, it clearly hasn’t hit you yet. In less than a month (for us in the northern part of the US, at least), you will be graduating. You’ll be thrust into the ocean without a life raft, while everyone on dry land just watches you flounder. (Okay, that might be a little bit harsh… But it’s going to be rough.)

You’re looking for summer jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with the degree(s) you’ll be holding in your hands. Because summer jobs are summer jobs, right? You’ll work at a resort for a couple of months and then go back to school in the fall just like every other year and you won’t have to get a big kid job, right? Right?

Grocery shopping and laundry are not tasks that are done on a regular basis. Why buy groceries when you could order pizza? Why buy toilet paper when you can steal it from campus? Why do your laundry when you still have one pair of clean socks? You’re totally fine with the pile of pizza boxes by the door and, when guests come over, you just quietly shut your closet door on the leaning tower of laundry happening inside.

You aren’t sure if you’ve stopped going to class because you’re just over college or because you’re secretly hoping that you’ll fail and have to stay in college forever. It’s a slippery slope, seniors. Watch yourselves or you really might fail.

Donating plasma is more lucrative than your real job (or is your real job). What? You can make, like, $300/month with that shit! Sushi, here I come.

You sometimes might use your laundry money (a.k.a. jar of quarters) for alcohol. This is not a productive use of laundry money, ladies and gentlemen. Set the quarters down.

When you say you have a “hot date” on Friday night, you’re referring to Netflix. The most beautiful and horrible invention ever created has officially taken over your life. Whether you’re binge-watching House of Cards or Freaks and Geeks, you’re still binge-watching instead of writing that paper for your lit class.

You still say “YOLO,” “rn,” or any other ridiculous phrase in actual conversations with actual people. Stop that.

When your mom asks if you’re eating your fruits and veggies, you say yes. Because wine counts, right? I mean, it is made out of grapes, after all…

I don’t know about you guys, but I do know that I am not even close to ready for graduation. Here’s to us, though, Class of 2014. We have no choice; we’re being forced into adulthood whether we like it or not. So, you know, YOLO.




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