Drinking is bad for you. Alcohol makes you do stupid things and makes you gain weight like nobody’s business. We really shouldn’t drink.
But we do anyways, because it’s incredibly fun. The next day? Less fun. As I currently try to kick this hangover’s ass, I’ve decided to share all the lovely thoughts we all think the morning after a night of drinking.
Where am I? Waking up – even in your own bed – is the most disorienting thing after a night of binge drinking. It’s like waking up from a nap and wondering where you are, what your name is and what decade it is. You obviously just spent twelve hours crawling through quicksand on your hands and knees. With your mouth and eyes open.
Do I have to move? Like. Ever? Because moving sounds like the worst idea in the world. But there is water somewhere in this house and you must have it. But… moving. Maybe, if you can just reach your phone charger and plug in your dead, useless phone, someone will come and save you.
Will someone make me French toast? There is no food in this house and breakfast food would be amazing right now. Why don’t breakfast places ever deliver? SOMEONE CREATE A RESTAURANT THAT DELIVERS BREAKFAST FOOD.
Never. Again. You’re never drinking again. Never ever ever ever. Alcohol is the worst thing in the whole world and whoever invented it has clearly never consumed it. Why is that person on tv taking a shot? No. Stop. No more alcohol.
Why am I only wearing one earring? And where is the other one? And… your wallet? Keys? Shit. Where is anything? If the room would stop spinning for, like, ten seconds, maybe you could stand up and survey the area. Then again, moving is not a thing that should happen right now.
This is it. This is the end, isn’t it? You’re going to die like this, in last night’s clothes, wearing only one earring.
Better take a nap, then. You might as well spend your last moments on Earth taking a nap. Maybe the alcohol will somehow evaporate and you’ll survive this after all. And then you’re definitely never going to drink again. For real this time…